Conversation with Carmen (not her real name). A testimony to encourage someone who may have similar issues.

There were moments in my life I questioned the existence of God. I was brought up to believe that there was a God, without any explanation as to how or why. So I was not entirely convinced. I still had my occasional doubts.

As a child my life was primarily filled with fear and trepidation of what God would do in the event I did something wrong. As I grew older and even today I realize that I always had and still operate my life on the premise of this fear-based upbringing. This fear causes me to not think rationally of my situation but make decisions because I fear the consequences. So even as I am faced with crisis of every kind, I am unable to make good decisions because fear has crippled me.I realized thankfully that this could not be God’s desire for my life, to live in fear. I now understand when I am told fear is the opposite of faith. Fear cripples while faith opens me up to the abundance of  God’s love.  I believe that the enemy looks for my weaknesses and uses them against me.

It is in this time that I try to make the connection with God. I am hoping that he will rescue me and rescue my mind, but it does not seem to be happening. So with impatience I begin to look to other things and sometimes others to make my decisions. This was also a battle I faced. Can one be so weak in nature? Seeking others opinion. As I mature spiritually I know only God understands the depth of what I am going through. So how can another human being or anything else give me an answer that benefits me?

So I try to be still seeking that connection nonetheless. I look up, envisioning the heavens and where I think God resides. Needing to hear him and then this calm overtakes me. I know he is with me. Deep inside I sense that God understands. That in this moment he is telling me to take a leap of faith. To believe in him because even if things do not work according to plan it is still okay. He reminds me of the good plan that he has for me. That he knows exactly what I am going through. That he has a bright future for me. A future he knows I want despite the black cloud that looms around me not wanting to give me a break. He reminds me too that he is very aware of how I was socialized. He ia aware of the impact it is having on me and the confusion and turmoil that I feel. He reminds me that he is not a God of confusion. That was what I needed to hear. He is not a God of confusion. A light-bulb goes off in my mind brightening everything for me. In that moment I understand clearly that if my heart is not at rest then he is not there.

At 46 years of age, these are the things that I go through.I know other individuals also face this debilitation of our minds which controls our behavior.

So what do we do, I ask ?

Inside our being we have to find that place where we “trust him to forever”.  Understanding that he knows us. That he goes before us and makes our crooked paths straight. That he will heal the shortcomings of our childhood, causing us to understand that no one else has our interest at heart more than he does.

As I look around and see others like me living in defeat I want to cry out that we cannot allow the enemy to win. That we have to stand firm and help each other. That we need to motivate each other.  We have to keep in our mind how Christ was on this earth. We know we can never be him but in order to survive we have to become like him. The only way we can do that is to believe in him. We have to look to him and “trust him to forever”.